Meditations: Where is my God?

I'll get back to the essays eventually. Hope no one minds my more...emotive stuff.


"Why do I feel so far from you;
Why can't I see the way home?
Why can't I raise my voice to you,
Or offer up my soul again?

I told you, Father, I am undone,
drowning beneath the sun,
hidden in sorrow, an unyielding mute,
a half-baked jar of clay.

Merciful Father, I miss you;
And in the quiet I yearn for you;
God the Just extend your hand;
Let me feel your strength again.

God most holy, thrice holy are you,
And none to you comes close;
All creation kneels before you;
And I can't hear you at all?

You are the everlasting arms;
You are my only consolation--
Though my heart and will tear apart,
You have my heartstrings.

Let my words be few;
And let me be near you.

Meditations: You my God.

A prayer.

"But you, O Lord God,
You are my healer who sustains me;
Your fires are balm to my spirit;
Your touch soothes the soul.

And you, Magnificent One,
You have sat down at the right hand of the Father,
And given me confidence before the mercy seat;
The veil is torn, and the dead do live.

You, Merciful and Just,
Have become my crown and robe;
You are the strength of me;
And you are my life's breath.

O God, my God,
Have mercy on me;
Let not the darkness have me,
Nor rejoice over my chains.

God Most Holy, most set apart,
So near to my heart you are,
So far beyond my imagination,
And infinitely glorious.

Timeless One, Eternity's Throne,
You had mercy on a man of dust,
On dew and birds and flowers bright--
And Solomon faded in the light of your eyes.

My Lord, my Life, my Love,
By your blood I am made alive and whole;
By your grace I am free from sin and death;
By your power I am yours

A slave to sin no more.


You are my Father;
You are my King;
You are the Anointed One,
Suffering Servant and Warrior Prince--

You are the I AM--
You are the Name.
Your name is God With Us
Your name is The Lord Saves.

The God Who Is be praised."

Meditation: God my Healer.

I feel like I've been crying
Though not a tear have I shed;
The day is bright and sunny,
Cold and clear, the way my soul loves--
But today my heart is raw and red,
Like a gaping wound severe.

What lies within the depths;
Where are the beauteous heights?
Where is my creator?
Where is the Strength of my soul,
he who upholds me, he who restores,
The God of Healing who is?

The Name is bright and holy;
The Name is joyous and severe;
To whisper that sound is to create a storm;
To shout to cause worlds to cease.

I am lower than the angels;
I was given a child's dignity,
Made to reign earth's domain;
Made to stand at a king's right hand--
But I am dust, and I am dying,
My soul so hungry and parched with thirst.

God of my fathers, won't you hear?
Lord of the eyes, can you see?
You are my Father; you have ransomed me.
To present myself before you is my hope;
To bow before your throne my desire--
But all I have to give, all that I have--
Confidence of my heart, I am in need of healing.

So heal me;
Let me come to you.
Will you come to me?

On Life in the Veil.

The Journey

I'm making this so I can put a link in the side bar. It'll likely get edited occasionally. Besides, it's about time I explained what's going on over there.

Basically, I've managed to divide my life into seasons. Some of my older stuff was removed because it didn't really fit the tone of this blog (and because it was really random).

But for the most part, if you're interested in seeing the journey start to finish, then top three Journey category tags. In order:

-A Child Still: The College Years (2003-2005)
-Halfway Grown Up: More Than a Graduate (2006-2007)
-Sons & Daughters: Understanding Name & Inheritance (2008-Present)

I did it this way largely because I was somewhere in college before I realized I even had a testimony - one possibly worth telling, too. My life, ultimately, is one of God's unyielding faithfulness, his ever-present guard on my soul.

The short version is, if American Christians are the 'church brats' of Christianity, I am the church brat of church brats. Christian home, school, and church. I made a conscious decision to love, follow, and serve Christ at age five, and it's been one heck of a ride since.

So when you read this, it's my way of sharing the journey with you, be it Observations of a Church Brat or various meditations or frustrated daily life.


The Life in the Veil


But that's life in the veil for you - We live in two realms, one foot in the Now, and one in Eternity.


So often Scripture makes reference to the veil: whether the one Moses wore to cover his face, or our confidence before the throne of grace, or the veil that tore on the day of the Crucifixion—The veil is torn; the veil is rent and shorn away, and we all have been made anew. And so much of Scripture is devoted to teaching us how to life with our feet in two worlds: our bodies on earth, our souls yearning for the Father’s arms; our lives here, our kingdom there; pressing on toward a prize so much greater than anything we can describe.

Life in the veil is one of hope, of taking everything we know and trust and believe and letting that push us onward from glory to glory—And so with this in mind I write.


So, join me if you will. Even if our lives amount to a drink offering, so be it.

Meditations: Know where to run.

So I've been thinking off and on about a curious line in Hebrews that declares the saints "men of whom the world was not worthy." With this in mind, a verse from James came to mind: "Elijah was a man with a nature like ours" (James 5:17).


And when Elijah runs, Elijah runs. A hundred and twenty miles south, from NW Sidon (or close by) to somewhere in Judah. Then an angel patches him up, and Elijah finally takes off another 250 miles to Sinai/Horeb.

My ESV study Bible notes can be a bit harsh to the individuals in Scripture, I think. This time, they assume Elijah's halfheartedness. Did I mention Elijah's cross-country marathon, though?

Anyway, so Elijah pops out of nowhere, declares a drought "until God decides to end it," basically, and gets fed by birds. He winds up a stone's throw from Jezebel's hometown in Sidon, where he meets up with the widow of Zarephath.


What's a bit intriguing is that Scripture stops and contrasts these two women - something you don't see much of. Both women are from the same region. Both are Gentiles. Both come in contact with the God of Israel.

Jezebel is a vile wench who slaughters Israel's real prophets (Exception: Obadiah hid 100 in a cave. Interestingly, Obadiah's faith from his youth and his defiance in hiding the prophets appear to be known facts, but he serves in Ahab's house still.) and has 400 priests of her Baals who 'eat at her table.' That's a long buffet line, btw. (I doubt they literally ate with her; but it's a bit like saying this woman controls all these men - a shrew that will not be tamed. But whether they did or didn't, she is clearly running the show.)

Meanwhile, this little widow gathering sticks at the city gate is getting ready to die with her son, and, apparently, is waiting on Elijah by order of God. We don't know much about her other than that she had some form of relationship with God, and the events surrounding her, Elijah, and the kid. Jesus will later point out that despite the many widows in Israel, this Syrio-Phoenician woman is the one Elijah's sent to provide for. He's discussing salvation, so I think there's a point here.

Remember, too: Jezebel is a vile woman who knocks off people who cross her. She manhandles Ahab, too, which is interesting, and it's Jezebel Ahab goes to for counsel in the later matter of a vineyard he's whining about.

The widow, however, asks for nothing. She brings Elijah into her house, lets him stay, and gives him everything she has. She is, then, blessed, and her food does not run out until the end of the drought where she'll be able to find more food again. The death and resurrection of her son, apparently, is part of this. It's not recorded, but whatever the widow needed to know about God was evidently revealed to her through these events.

Anyway. So Elijah takes off and summons Ahab to Mt. Carmel, where we run into Obadiah (who also thinks the prophet is going to punish him; the widow thought the same thing, so evidently prophets had a severe reputation). Weirdly, Ahab shows up. Eventually, God owns, and Elijah orders the 400 priests of Baal (the ones bizarrely close to a queen) executed. Rain comes.

I told you, 120 miles - but that was 120 miles from Jezreel. First, Elijah outruns Ahab's chariot all the way from Mt. Carmel to Jezreel. He drops, after a taxing day watching 400 priests make fools of themselves, soaking an altar and praying to God (who sends a fire that consumes the sacrifice, altar - rocks, man - water, and everything around it), then overseeing the executions of the 400 priests. He then tells Ahab to eat while he prays again, and the rains finally head from the direction of the Mediterranean toward Mt. Carmel. Ahab packs and rides off; and then Elijah gets a boost of something from God and outruns the guy. On foot, mind you.

I didn't see the exact distance, but from Mt. Carmel to Jezreel is no short walk. And Jezebel, our little Sidonian assassin-princess, informs Elijah she's putting a hit out on him. Logically, she probably didn't have to send a messenger to him. She could have just done it. But she's wench enough, and arrogant enough, to play the psychological card first. Torture him mentally, then capture and kill him. Probably slowly.

So Elijah, after going from Syria to Mt Carmel, then Mt Carmel to Jezreel (which is pretty far inland, and my map shows Mt Carmel fairly close to the east coast and a good bit north of Jezreel), packs and runs 120 miles. He stops once, to drop off his servant, and heads into the wilderness and tells God to kill him.

Please note it's a six-day sprint he just took - maybe a little faster since he's running. Elijah is done. On top of that, the "high" of Mt Carmel has plunged to the shocking low of Jezebel's threat. I honestly think it was the last straw. Maybe the bit he didn't think about; or maybe his guard was completely down. Whatever reason, I don't think his reaction was that far-fetched.


It's just that the guy ran 120 miles. Didn't Jonah try that?

But unlike my ESV, I don't think that Elijah lost heart completely, or went without the Lord's leading, or failed to remain 'wholehearted' after this.


Elijah was a man with a nature like ours.

And the thing is, God had plenty of time to rebuke Elijah. He let his prophet get 120 miles south, well into Judah. Then lets him sleep. Then feeds him, and puts him back to sleep. Then feeds him and puts him back to sleep again.

Now, the ESV will note that, as in his initial flight, there's no true mandate to get up and move again. But look where Elijah goes next. Rested, fed and nourished by the Father, he gets up and heads another 250 miles south: To Mt. Sinai.

And that's the reason I don't think Elijah's totally off the deep end. I read a book recently where one of the characters has been badly wounded, survives it, but his psychological and physical state has him completely vulnerable: he's terrified, disoriented, and can't defend himself. He's completely helpless. And in a moment of crazed disorientation he overpowers his friends and runs...straight to his father's room. He fled to the one thing he could count on to never change, to never abuse him, to never harm him: his father.

And that, I think, is what Elijah does here: He ran to his Father. He ran to the Lord of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob from apostate Israel under a wicked king and ruthless queen.

So I don't think God had to tell him where to go. Elijah knew where to run.

Elijah was a man, just like us, with a nature like ours.

And he finally runs out of steam, and collapses in a cave. It says he 'dwelt there,' so I think a few more days had gone by. (Please note, again, God never rebukes Elijah for running; and Elijah's flight is markedly south: his first stop in Judah where the Davidic Dynasty reigns, his second in Sinai which is where Israel made an oath with God.)

And then, now that he's done, now that he's taken food and rest so that he can finish this long flight of his...


Now that he's made it to God's bedroom, God comes to him.


Elijah was a man, with a nature like ours.